Two weeks ago I posted an article about armors I’d encountered in videogames that I’d actually like to wear if they existed in real life (& if I had a reason to wear armor). As a follow-up, I wanted to write about some armors that you couldn’t pay me to wear. You may be surprised to see that none of these armors are on the list because they’re skimpy. It should be a given that I wouldn’t choose to wear a chainmail bikini or anything that’s essentially a glorified thong. Plus, that wouldn’t be as fun a list. You may be surprised by some of the things on this list.
Isaac Clarke’s Space Suit (from Dead Space)
Despite having some cool aspects to it (like the glowing visor), I never really liked Isaac’s space suit. I think there are three main reasons why. For one, it’s a hideous shade of swamp brown. Armor doesn’t have to be pretty, but seriously! They could’ve picked a better color. Second, I always found the health bar kind of strange. Yeah, it’s a great way for the player to get immersed in the game without a HUD. But think about this: what good is it to the actual person in the armor? I can’t see a health gauge on my back. And I don’t particularly want to advertise my health to my enemies. But the main reason is that it always looks really uncomfortable to me. Those pockets or whatever those metal straps are that litter the suit (I call them pockets because they increase as you upgrade the suit which also gives you more carry space) look like they’d make sitting down extremely uncomfortable. I imagine they’d dig into your skin a lot.
Diamond Armor (from Minecraft)
This may shock many of you, given that the diamond armor is the best armor in the game. Also — come on! It’s diamond! But I came to the conclusion that I’d never want to wear the blasted thing after watching The Game Theorists analysis on it. Oh sure, I’d like to own a set of solid diamond armor. Given MatPat’s analysis, the armor would make me the richest person in the world. But a set of solid diamond armor would weigh over 1000 lbs. & be useless in terms of protection. I recommend watching their video for a full explanation, but basically because diamond is made of crystals, which have regular anatomical structures, they can be cut through very easily. So despite being very heavy & hard, it wouldn’t actually be that protective.
Glass Armor (from The Elder Scrolls)
It’s always irked me that glass armor is the highest tier light armor in the Elder Scrolls games. This is a green monstrosity. The glass armor in Morrowind was the worst, with these green shards protruding everywhere. It looks ridiculous. Not to mention I fail to see how glass could be protective. It seems like a really bad idea to wear glass armor because not only will it break on impact, but it’ll damage you in the process. And yes, I know technically it’s Malachite armor (at least in Skyrim) but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still a stupid idea.
Body Suit (from Bayonetta)
As somewhat of a hair-phobic, the idea of wearing a body suit made entirely out of my own hair just really creeps me out. I’m fine with hair on people’s heads, although I don’t like long hair & have kept mine chin length for many, many years. But seeing hair not on people’s heads grosses me out. I know it’s strange. I have no problem with blood, but the thought of cleaning my hairbrush out makes me sick. So having my body covered completely by my own hair just makes my skin crawl. Not to mention that, since it pulls double-duty as my weapon, I’d be nude half the time. Which defeats the purpose of wearing the armor in the first place.
Feel free to leave a comment about an armor that no one could pay you enough to wear.